Supporting a Child Who Feels Embarrassed or Ashamed About a Parent’s Incarceration
Supporting a child who feels embarrassed and ashamed about a parent’s incarceration—and who tells others his/her mother (father/caretaker) is dead instead of in prison—requires compassion, honesty, and the right resources. Below, you’ll find guidance on how to talk with the child, as well as a comprehensive list of recommended books for all age groups and suggested age levels.
What to Say to a Child Who Hides a Parent’s Incarceration
1. Validate and Normalize Their Feelings
Let the child know that feeling embarrassed or ashamed is normal, and that many children in similar situations feel the same way. You might say, “It’s okay to feel sad or embarrassed about your mom being away. Lots of kids feel that way when someone they love is in prison.”
2. Encourage Honest, Age-Appropriate Communication
Gently explain that while it’s understandable to want to hide the truth, telling people her mother is dead might make her feel even more alone. You could say, “Sometimes it feels easier to say something that isn’t true because you’re worried about what people will think. But you don’t have to be ashamed. What happened to your mom isn’t your fault.”
3. Reduce Stigma and Empower the Child
Emphasize that her mother’s incarceration does not define her or her family. “Your mom made a mistake, but that doesn’t change how much she loves you or how special you are.” Let her know she can choose who to tell and how much to share: “You get to decide who you want to talk to about your mom. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too.”
4. Offer Support and Connection
Encourage her to talk to trusted adults or join support groups for children with incarcerated parents. “There are other kids who have a parent in prison, and talking to them or to a counselor can help you feel less alone.”
5. Model and Teach Coping Skills
Help her find ways to express her feelings, such as drawing, writing, or talking to someone she trusts.
6. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If her shame or embarrassment leads to withdrawal, depression, or behavioral changes, consider professional counseling.
Book Recommendations by Age Group
These books can help children process their feelings, understand they are not alone, and find hope and resilience.
Toddlers (Ages 2–4):
- Knock Knock: My Dad’s Dream for Me by Daniel Beaty
Ages 4–8 (but suitable for toddlers with adult support). A gentle, poetic story about a boy missing his father, with themes of hope and love. The reason for the father’s absence is left open, making it adaptable for various situations, including incarceration. - Far Apart, Close in Heart: Being a Family When a Loved One Is Incarcerated by Becky Birtha
Ages 3–7 (can be read to toddlers). Features vignettes of children with incarcerated loved ones, validating a range of feelings and situations. - Deena Misses Her Mom by Jonae Haynesworth et al.
Ages 1–4+. A simple story about a young girl coping with her mother’s absence due to incarceration.
Elementary School (Ages 5–10):
- Visiting Day by Jacqueline Woodson
Ages 5–8. A young girl and her grandmother prepare to visit her father in prison, focusing on hope and family connection. - Mama Loves Me from Away by Pat Brisson
Ages 4–8. A story about a girl who misses her mother in prison, highlighting enduring love and creative coping. - My Daddy’s In Jail by Anthony Curcio
Ages 5–8. Explains incarceration in simple terms and encourages open conversations about feelings. - Empowering Children of Incarcerated Parents by Stacey Burgess et al.
Ages 7–12. A resource guide with activities and discussion prompts for children and caregivers.
Tweens (Ages 11–13):
- All Rise for the Honorable Perry T. Cook by Leslie Connor
Ages 10–14. Perry, raised in a prison with his mother, faces separation and seeks the truth about her crime. - Ruby on the Outside by Nora Raleigh Baskin
Ages 10–13. Ruby struggles with secrecy and friendship as she navigates her mother’s incarceration. - An Inmate’s Daughter by Jan Walker
Ages 11–14. Jenna copes with stigma and secrecy after her father is imprisoned for murder. - From the Desk of Zoe Washington by Janae Marks
Ages 8–12. Zoe secretly corresponds with her incarcerated father and seeks the truth about his conviction.
Teens (Ages 14–18):
- This Is My America by Kim Johnson
Ages 14+. A powerful novel about a teen fighting to save her father from death row and her brother from wrongful accusation. - Teen Guide to Living With Incarcerated Parents by Anyé Young
Ages 13–18. Written by a teen, offering practical advice and coping strategies. - Wish You Were Here: Teens Write About Parents in Prison by Autumn Spanne et al.
Ages 13–18. Real stories from teens and parents about coping with separation and stigma. - Slugg: A Boy’s Life in the Age of Mass Incarceration by Tony Lewis Jr.
Ages 14+. A memoir about growing up with an incarcerated parent and finding resilience. - Concrete Rose by Angie Thomas
Ages 14+. Explores cycles of incarceration, family loyalty, and breaking free from systemic injustice.
Additional Tips and Resources
- Let the child lead: Allow her to decide when and how to share her story.
- Use books as conversation starters: Reading together can help her open up about her feelings.
- Connect with support groups: Organizations like We Got Us Now and the National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated offer resources and community.
Age-Appropriate Conversation Starters
For Toddlers (Ages 2–4):
- “Do you have any questions about where Mommy is?”
- “Sometimes people have to go away for a while. If you feel sad or confused, you can tell me.”
For Elementary School Age (Ages 5–10):
- “Do you want to talk about where your mom is?”
- “It’s okay to feel lots of different things. What are you feeling today?”
- “Do you have any questions about what’s happening?”
For Tweens (Ages 11–13):
- “How are you feeling about your mom being away?”
- “Is there anything you want to know or talk about?”
- “Do you want to talk about what you might say if someone asks about your mom?”
For Teens (Ages 14–18):
- “How are you coping with your mom being in prison?”
- “Do you want to talk about how to handle questions from friends or teachers?”
- “What would help you feel more supported right now?”
General Tips:
- Use clear, literal language rather than euphemisms, especially for younger children.
- Let the child lead the conversation and answer questions honestly but only share as much detail as is appropriate for their age.
Comforting Activities for Children
- Drawing or Journaling: Encourage them to express feelings through art or writing.
- Reading Together: Choose books about families with incarcerated parents to help them feel less alone.
- Active Play: Physical activities like sports, dancing, or playground time can help release stress.
- Letter Writing: Help them write letters or draw pictures to send to their parents.
- Routine and Rituals: Keeping a predictable routine can provide comfort and stability.
- Skill Building: Encourage hobbies or learning new skills to boost confidence and provide a distraction.
- Support Groups: Connecting with other children in similar situations can reduce feelings of isolation.
The Impact of Honesty
- Builds Trust: Being honest, using age-appropriate language, helps children trust the adults in their lives.
- Reduces Anxiety: Children often sense when something is wrong. Honest explanations prevent confusion and help them feel safer.
- Promotes Healthy Coping: When children know the truth, they are better able to process their feelings and ask questions, which supports emotional health.
- Prevents Shame: Hiding the truth can make children feel isolated or ashamed. Honest conversations help them understand that their parent’s incarceration is not their fault.
- Empowers Children: Knowing the truth allows children to decide what to share with others and how to handle questions, giving them a sense of control.
Incorporating Games for Engagement
1. Collaborative Games:
Games that require teamwork—like building something together (LEGOs, puzzles, or creating a poster or storybook)—encourage children to communicate, share ideas, and solve problems as a team. These collaborative projects foster conversation and help children practice expressing themselves in a supportive environment.
2. Role-Playing:
Use dolls, action figures, or stuffed animals to act out scenarios. For example, role-play situations in which characters discuss their feelings or navigate challenges. This hands-on approach helps children explore emotions and practice communication in a safe, playful way.
3. Conversation Card Games:
Create or use decks of cards with open-ended questions or prompts. Take turns drawing a card and answering. This makes talking about feelings or daily experiences a fun activity rather than a formal discussion.
4. Technology-Based Games:
Leverage educational apps or interactive story games that encourage discussion. After playing, talk about what you both learned or enjoyed. This can be especially engaging for kids interested in technology.
Tips for Fostering Open Communication
- Share Your Own Experiences:
Before asking questions, share an age-appropriate example from your own life. For instance, talk about a time when you felt nervous or excited. This models openness and makes it easier for children to share their own feelings. - Use Open-Ended Questions:
Ask questions that invite more than a yes/no answer, such as “What was the best part of your day?” or “How did that make you feel?” This encourages deeper conversation and helps children articulate their thoughts. - Regular Check-Ins:
Make it a habit to check in with your child regularly, not just during tough times. This ongoing support shows you care and keeps the lines of communication open. - Respect and Validate Feelings:
Acknowledge your child’s emotions, even if they’re difficult. Saying things like, “It’s okay to feel sad or confused,” helps children feel understood and supported. - Create a Safe Space:
Let your child know that they can talk to you about anything and that their feelings are valid. Avoid judgment or immediate solutions—sometimes, just listening is the most important thing.
You are not alone. With understanding, compassion, and the right resources, children and families can face the challenges of parental incarceration with hope and healing.
Author: Franceen Rea, MSW, BSW, GRMS
This article is for educational purposes and isn’t a substitute for individualized support from a licensed therapist or grief counselor. If your situation involves abuse or unsafe dynamics, please prioritize your safety first and consider connecting with a professional who specializes in trauma.
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